Saturday, December 24, 2005

My Christmas Eve Gift To You!

BERKELEY, United States (AFP) - From cards to action figures to doggy chew toys, gifts mocking US President George W. Bush are a hit in famously liberal northern California this Christmas.
Bobble-head Jesus dolls and glow-in-the-dark Virgins de Guadalupe were available at Oddball novelty store in Berkeley as Christmas Eve neared, but the last Saddam Hussein and Bush action figures set was gone from the window.
"It sells well at the San Francisco store, but it flies off the shelves here," said Shellina Visram, who, along with a sister, owns Oddball in Berkeley and Cheap Thrills toy shop in the Haight district.
"People seem to be grooving on it. They love to make fun of Bush. They love to hate him."
Bush is fashioned with cowboy boots, a leather jacket, jeans and a denim shirt. The doll comes with a toy Bible and bucket of oil.
Hussein is adorned with green military fatigues and comes with a container labeled weapons of mass destruction and a book titled "World Domination for Dummies."
"They are really cool," a store worker, who gave her name only as "Gina," said of the action figures. "It is funny, when you think about it, because both of them are so (screwed) up."
The dolls created by a fledgling company called Mulberry Pi were referred to as "Puppetics" and were "born" in the end of November, according to the Pi website. They were made available in stores in the San Francisco Bay area.
The 25-dollar price tag for the set did not hamper sales of the figurines, which seemed particularly popular with customers in their 30s, Visram said.
Oddball also sold out of "National Embarrassments" breath mints featuring Bush on the packaging.
Other hot selling Oddball items included Bush "Dum Gum" with idiot-proof pieces and playing cards featuring Bush's face superimposed on pictures ranging from dogs and chimps to bathing suit models and children.
Among the slogans on the gum package was "Don't debate, manipulate."
"Those have been very fast," Visram said of the cards, gum and mints.
Also popular was a refrigerator magnet set featuring a nude Bush, a star of Texas keeping him modest, and a papal wardrobe.
It came with sparkling platform boots and magnetic phrases "Who would Jesus bomb" and "Armageddon outta here".
Hanging from a display rack near the door were Bush-head chew toys bearing the message: "You can't get even, but your pet can."
And, for masking odors in cars, Oddball sold hanging air fresheners bearing Bush's face and the words "dumbass head on a string".
"Everybody from around here gets a laugh out of them," Visram said of the Bush-bashing merchandise. "The only complaints I've gotten have been from tourists from places like Kansas or Texas. They tend to get upset."
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESUS!
PEACE EVERYBODY!
HERE COMES 2006!
"The times they are a changin'."

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Thank You Harold Pinter!

STOCKHOLM, Sweden (AP) -- Nobel literature laureate Harold Pinter has slammed U.S. President George W. Bush and British Prime Minister Tony Blair in a harsh award lecture, saying they should be prosecuted for the invasion of Iraq.

In a prerecorded lecture presented at the Swedish Academy in Stockholm on Wednesday, the British playwright said Bush and Blair should be arraigned before the International Criminal Court.

"The invasion of Iraq was a bandit act, an act of blatant state terrorism, demonstrating absolute contempt for the concept of international law," said Pinter, known for his outspoken criticism of U.S. foreign policy.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Thank You Michael Moore

December 17th, 2005 2:15 pm
THE MAVERICKS OF '05

By Michael Moore / Rolling Stone

They were the seven words you can't say on television:

"George Bush doesn't care about black people."

"2005 will be remembered for many things, from a rising body count in an endless war to the first criminal charges against a sitting White House official in 130 years to something as simple as the weather and a storm that revealed, with one levee break, an administration re-elected on the promise of keeping everyone safe had no clue at all what to do.

But it was the bigger levee of apathy and silence which was broken by the utterance of those seven words, live and unexpected, on national TV. Spoken with simple sincerity by Kanye West on the NBC telethon to aid the victims of Hurricane Katrina, it shot out of the nation's flat screens like a laser beam of truth. Stunned viewers simply could not believe that someone had said what many had been thinking -- but no one was saying. An obviously nervous director cut away from West as soon as he could, and by the time the telethon aired three hours later on the West Coast, NBC had exorcised those seven dirty words.

In a time of carefully managed information dissemination and a media afraid to veer from the Official Story, it was, perhaps, the pivotal moment of the year, the instant where culture and politics collided and the apple cart of a president who once had a 90% approval rating was turned upside down. NBC's censoring of Kanye West's remarks, I'm sure, made sense to the brass at General Electric. After all, we now live in a time where dissent must be marginalized, ignored, punished and, most importantly, seen as something that gives aid and comfort to America's enemies.

What NBC didn't understand was that the American public was already way ahead of them. Thanks to a number of individuals who, in 2005, dared to step out of line and say something real, the public had begun a seismic shift away from the chokehold of uniform and uninformed thought. It was the year the Stones got political and showed no sympathy for the devil. You could turn on Jay Leno and see Bright Eyes singing "When the President Talks to God." George Clooney seemed like he was churning out a film a month that spoke to the dark path the country had taken – and people were lining up to buy tickets. It was a year when the most popular music video (Green Day's "Wake Me When September Ends") was one that dared to show an authentic depiction of how the Iraq war costs young soldiers their limbs and their lives.

But not all of 2005's truth-tellers and troublemakers were well-known artists – some were just average citizens who had simply seen enough. A student in Ohio decided he'd take on the army recruiters swarming his campus in search of fresh bodies. A guy in Texas made it his mission to uncover the dirty deals of the Republican House majority leader. A lone mother of a deceased soldier went to Crawford one day, and the American people listened and wondered what they would do if their son had died for a pack of lies. It never got better for Mr. Bush from that day forward.

As a rule, we are instructed from childhood that serious consequences shall arise if we dare to rock the boat. We learn instinctually that it is always better to go along so that we get along. To slip off the assembly line of groupthink means to risk ridicule, rejection, banishment. Being alone sucks, but being alone while you are attacked, smeared, and scorned is about the same as picking up a hot poker and jamming it in your eye. Who in their right mind would want to do that? Especially when conformity to the community offers as its reward acceptance, support, love and the chance to be comfortably numb.

This month we celebrated the 50th anniversary of a moment that shook the world on December 1, 1955. A black seamstress in Montgomery, Alabama, refused to give up her seat to a white man when she was ordered by the law to do just that. This unknown woman endured every imaginable abuse from the authorities, the press, and even from some of the old guard in her own black community. None of that mattered. A single, simple act by a lone woman ignited a revolution. When Rosa Parks died in October of this year, the president-who-doesn't-care-about-black-people couldn't even bring himself to make it to her funeral. December 1st should be a national holiday, to honor all individuals who rebel and cause trouble for the common good. Without these people there would never had been a United States of America and without them it won't continue.

Far from becoming Public Enemy #1, Kanye West was not only roundly applauded across the country, he was asked to come back and appear live on the following week's telethon, one that aired on all the major networks. The country had come a long way from a certain Oscar night two years prior when a guy I know was booed off the stage for his anti-Bush remarks.

I asked Kanye what prompted him to speak out and he told me he hadn't planned on doing so. "I was just standing there, looking at the teleprompter with the words they had written for me to say and I just thought, ‘How can I read these words when the truth needs to be said?'"

And that's the good news about 2005. This year's mavericks and rabble rousers stuck their necks out -- and they didn't get them chopped off. They helped the nation make a turn toward the truth, and average Americans began to speak their minds freely in the diners and the churches and the bars, little words of discontent and dissent and growing outrage. You can argue that it was five years and 2,100 dead soldiers too late. Or you can say that Americans may be slow learners, but when we finally figure something out… well, watch out. A new majority forms and there can be no stopping it. Stands taken by this year's troublemakers had become, by years' end, the mainstream position of the American people. Every poll shows the same thing: The majority now oppose the war, the majority no longer trust the president when he speaks, and the majority would rather vote for a Democrat next year. The time is ripe to get this country back in the hands of the majority. Will we seize the moment? Or will we need a whole new crop of rebels next year to keep us honest and doing the right thing? Thank God we will still have artists and writers and everyday citizens willing to sign up for the call. Those who dare to be different are the closest thing we have to a national treasure."

Saturday, December 17, 2005

Some GOOD News!

WASHINGTON - In a stinging defeat for
President Bush, Senate Democrats blocked passage Friday of a new Patriot Act to combat terrorism at home, depicting the measure as a threat to the constitutional liberties of innocent Americans.
OOPS! SORRY GEORGE! YOUR GIG IS UP!

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Real Courage

Viggo Mortensen isn’t backing off his stinging critique of George Bush.

The “Lord of the Rings” hottie took some heat for criticizing the president’s policies lately, and in a recent interview, Mortensen is unrepentant.

“I’m not anti-Bush; I’m anti-Bush behavior,” Mortensen told Progressive magazine. “In other words, I’m against cheating, greed, cruelty, racism, imperialism, religious fundamentalism, treason, and the seemingly limitless capacity for hypocrisy shown by Bush and his administration.”

THANK YOU Viggo Mortensen!

Good Luck Howard!

Good luck to Howard Stern on his move to Sirius. He is the true Pioneer!
Best wishes. We'll be listening!
F the FCC!

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

The Termination Of Tookie

The Terminator has done it again, only this time it was a real live person. I cannot figure out the benefits to humanity of the death penalty. I wonder if Arnold lives his life completely in a movie. Did Arnold take pleasure in this execution?
What does killing people teach our children? What would Jesus do? Tookie will live forever, and the good and positive things he's done will have far greater impact than anything Arnold will ever do. I do know one thing for sure; Arnold will pay dearly for his wrong decision. And I will never again go see a film that he is in. Rest in Peace Tookie. You will be missed.

Saturday, December 10, 2005

Rest In Peace, Mom

On Saturday, December 3, 2005, my Mom transformed from this life to the next.
She will be missed by many. She made a very positive difference.
We will always celebrate your life.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Great news today for human rights!

JOHANNESBURG, Dec. 1, 2005 - South Africa's highest court ruled today that same-sex marriages enjoy the same legal status as those between men and women, effectively making the nation one of just five worldwide that have removed legal barriers to gay and lesbian unions.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Question...

President Bush pardoned two Thanksgiving turkeys today.
My question is this:
Is this the very first time in his life that Bush has ever pardoned another living creature?
Stay tuned while I do the research and check the facts.
The truth will be revealed.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Talk about getting it WRONG!

People Magazine has named Matthew McConaughey the "sexiest man alive".
PA-SLEEZE!? I think it's all said in three letters of his name. CON!
I respect the opinion of People Magazine at least as much as I'm certain they respect mine. I'm also sure that next year they'll name ME "sexiest man alive"...again!

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

California Special Election?!

It was special alright. All the propositions went down in flames! The people said "NO WAY" to the Arnold and Company power grab. Sometimes Democracy really does work. Imagine!
Prop. 73, 74, 75, 76, 77, 78, 79, and 80 = NO!
Perhaps there is some comfort in that old saying after all:
"That's the way the cookie crumbles."

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

You really can make a difference!

Here is our position on the Special California Election.

Please vote NO on propositions 73, 74, 75, 76, 77 and 78!

Please vote YES on propositions 79 and 80!

Please vote so "The Man" won't steal more power away from We The People!

Thank you.

Peace.

Monday, October 31, 2005

Rosa Parks

Let us never forget what she did, and that each and every one of us can also make a huge difference. We can do so every day of our lives. It's not just an opportunity, it is our responsibility.

Sunday, October 30, 2005

Capote

DON'T MISS THIS FILM! It's terrific! I give it two thumbs way up!
Go see Capote!

Sunday, October 23, 2005

www.worldcantwait.org

People must really get involved. www.worldcantwait.org is one place where you can.
I saw a great film. Wallace and Gromit made me laugh. I give it two thumbs way up! DON'T MISS IT!

Thursday, October 06, 2005

OK, I admit it...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/4317498.stm

I talk with God too. Unfortunately, I'm not the President of The United States of America. If I were, there'd be some changes around here, believe me.
I am NOT going to sit here and write anything negative about anybody who talks with God. I just want some of the same shit they're smoking. God talking with George W. Bush is a lot like you and I talking with Tom Cruise.
What's the use?!

Monday, October 03, 2005

Odor-Eaters...

I'm thinking Tom Delay could use a brand new pair of Odor-Eaters in his shoes about now, but I'm not checking them! These indictments are the Court's responsibility now.

Saturday, October 01, 2005

ROLL BOUNCE

I saw a great film today. Don't miss it! It's ROLL BOUNCE! IT'S WONDERFUL!

Monday, September 19, 2005

Hurricane Katrina Victims

The victims of Hurricane Katrina need just about everything. If you'd like to send them something, there's an address on www.michaelmoore.com. Please send whatever you can. It all helps. If we all do just a little, we can have a monumental effect. Thank you. Peace.

Monday, September 12, 2005

EVERYBODY CAN DO SOMETHING

this september 24th, 2005 weekend, millions of people on Planet Earth will be standing up and speaking out. you can too. don't just sit and be silent thinking YOU can't make a difference. YOU CAN!

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

meetwithcindy.org

here are a few great websites i think we all need to read on a daily basis.
meetwithcindy.org
michaelmoore.com
huffingtonpost.com
also, i give the film, "MARCH OF THE PENGUINS" two thumbs way up. don't miss this one!

Saturday, July 30, 2005

meet a REAL HERO...

it's one thing to serve your country in a war, shoot people dead, etc...and be shot at. it's something quite different to not participate. read all about a REAL HERO who chose not to participate at the following address. i think it takes far more courage to be a person of peace, than somebody who shoots people, and drops bombs from above. what do you think?
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20050729/ap_on_go_ca_st_pe/objecting_soldier;_ylt=AsMHHz6h8Ys8lDPByo1Vh0.s0NUE;_ylu=X3oDMTA3MjBwMWtkBHNlYwM3MTg-
P.S. i don't think george w. bush ever saw any combat action during any war.

Friday, July 22, 2005

TWO SNAPS WAY UP!

go see the movie CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY! i give it two snaps way up! it's good!

Sunday, July 10, 2005

SPILT MILK...

my blog is me. it is intended to share myself, and my life with everybody, in hopes that i may be of help and inspiration. if we are ever going to have peace in our world, then we must stop all this violence.

My Dearest of Friends,
Today I want to share with you my diary entry. I know we all face innumerable challenges in our lives. Some of us face cancer, divorce, a broken hip, financial troubles, wacky families, illness, heartache, rear-end problems, etc...
I don’t intend this to be a downer. I want it mostly to be about spilt milk. When we have a mess, we simply clean it up, and move on. This morning I faced a little bit of spilt milk. I walked out to my car to find that somebody had completely smashed out the back window. I cannot analyze why this happened. I can only suspect that somebody has far too much anger, hate, fear, paranoia, and sadness in their heart, and in their life. They may even be mentally ill. It is not for me to determine why I am the victim. My job is to clean up the spilt milk, and move on, and continue to be Frank Landfield. I have never smashed out anybody’s rear car window, and I never will. These acts are by people who are ultimately crying out for help. We seem to live in a very violent time, especially since November of 2000. I think a lot of people are very angry, hurt, and disappointed, and haven’t a clue what to do about it, or how to make things better. And so, perhaps smashing out a window is a kind of symptom. As they say in Hawaii, “no rain, no rainbows”. We must all face rain. Some of us have even learned to love it! Of course this was a very cowardly and childish act. People that do these things always come in the middle of the night, no doubt to hide their face, shame and fear. In a way, I feel sorry for the person or persons who did this, because I think they really need serious help. As for me, I’ll get the window replaced, AND put some brand new stickers on it. We can not and must not allow anybody to frighten us from being who we are. Our enlightenment and peace depend on our love for, and commitment to, non-violence. One day, perhaps even in our lifetime, we really will see an end to war, hate, anger, fear, and violence. Until then, every time somebody spills my milk, I’ll just clean it up.
I love you all very much. Peace.
--
"It's better to be hated for who you are than to be liked for who you are not."

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

GOD HAS SPOKEN!

i applaud the UCC for getting it right. it's about time a church supports real equal rights for everybody. god has personally told me many times that She supports gay marriage.

"The million-strong United Church of Christ (UCC) has become the first major US Christian denomination to come out in support of gay marriage.
The UCC's general synod passed a resolution affirming "equal rights for couples regardless of gender".

THANK YOU UCC! BRAVO!

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

It is NOT worth it!

just when you THINK you've heard it all...

"Like most Americans, I see the images of violence and bloodshed. Every picture is horrifying and the suffering is real," Bush said, according to excerpts released ahead of time by the White House. "It is worth it."

no, mr. bush, it is NOT worth it!

Sunday, June 26, 2005

THANK YOU NORMAN MAILER

Norman Mailer
God's Chosen Envoy for America

The following is just for the sake of it -- I want to feed the maw of the blog:

In the wake of all the fluvial funereal obsequies that the media attached to Ronald Reagan's earthly departure, I felt obliged to remark that he had been the most overrated president in American history and the second most ignorant. Then I added -- how could I not? -- guess who is the most ignorant? Half the audience applauded; the other half were outraged and groaned in true patriotic pain. Since George W. is not only a horse's ass, but vain and platitudinous to boot, it can hardly escape us that he is also serving (with all due inner incandescence) as God's chosen envoy for America.
THANK YOU NORMAN MAILER! I AGREE!

Saturday, June 25, 2005

RAPTURE!

according to my dictionary, rapture = "a euphoric transcendent state in which somebody is overwhelmed by happiness or delight, and unaware of anything else". by this definition, i'm in rapture every time i have a great BM.
i'm hearing a lot about "the rapture" these days. people feel it's their obligation to tell me about it. just for the record, IT'S NOT!
apparently it's on the way, but hasn't it always been? we are now going through "the dark time", a period of great difficulty, confusion, and hardship, and THEN we'll have this rapture shit. i guess it's a kind of "heaven on earth". whatever!
i certainly cannot argue about "this dark time". our economy is shit; we're in record debt; we're in an endless, illegal, immoral, unethical, moronic war; our leaders are fools; our education system is a bloody shame; people are starving to death in record numbers; worldwide disease is rampant; our environment is being raped and plundered; need i continue? so who wouldn't want a little rapture?! but isn't it rapture walking on the beach? watching birds? making love? enjoying a fine meal? mentoring and volunteering? helping those in need? blogging? and on and on. maybe there really is NO rapture? maybe heaven really is here on earth? maybe some people, or most people, just don't get it? what do you think? do you think?
rapture? well, i've just had an all-time great BM, so i'm already there! thank you very much.

Friday, June 24, 2005

GOD BLESS IRAQ!

why do i only see bumper stickers that say, "GOD BLESS AMERICA"? i thought we were bringing peace, freedom, and democracy to iraq, and all her people? should there not be bumper stickers that say, "GOD BLESS IRAQ", and "GOD BLESS THE IRAQI PEOPLE"? i did see one bumper sticker that read, "GOD BLESS EVERYBODY". that one i liked. aren't we being just a bit selfish with our bumper stickers? well, maybe i'll see some more christian bumper stickers soon.

Sunday, June 19, 2005

real christians...

real christians have nothing whatsoever to do with guns.

Friday, June 17, 2005

Today...

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

Monday, June 13, 2005

INNOCENT

IT IS OFFICIAL. THE JURY HAS SPOKEN. INNOCENT. MJ IS INNOCENT. THIS IS THE FINAL OFFICIAL VERDICT IN THIS CASE. "NOT GUILTY ON ALL COUNTS". pack that in your pipe and smoke it!

Sunday, June 12, 2005

Mad Hot Ballroom

DO NOT MISS the great documentary film, Mad Hot Ballroom! this curriculum must be standard in EVERY school! i predict this film will win an academy award. i give it my highest rating. two thumb snaps up BABY!
"anybody can make it when they learn how to shake it."

Saturday, June 11, 2005

I-N-N-O-C-E-N-T

MJ case, jury deliberation, day five, still no verdict.
the word I-N-N-O-C-E-N-T contains eight letters.
hm....is this a sign? and if so, from whom?
disclaimer: i am NOT a licensed numerologist or gynecologist. i do however wish to remind women of the utmost importance of frequent and lengthy breast exams. let me know if i can help in any way!

Thursday, June 09, 2005

OUR GREATEST FEAR...

despite what i read, hear, see, feel, and know, i must disagree with 99% of the people on planet earth when they declare that george w. bush IS our greatest fear. we simply cannot give him that. we'll give him number two instead. he's our 2nd greatest fear. our number one greatest fear is fear itself. no doubt you've heard this before. we fear so many silly things in our minute lives. in my forthcoming book, "fear clear", i detail EXACTLY what you should fear, AS WELL AS what you should NOT fear. here are some examples.
you should NOT fear: people with a different skin color than you. the truth. love. peace.
you SHOULD FEAR: guns. the fact that america has more guns per person than any other country. politicians who tell you to fear certain things. karl rove. the insane debt this administration is creating. your grandchildren's future.
you should NOT fear: those who tell you to shut up. speaking the truth. standing up for equal rights. the world wide web.
i speak with people each and every day who tell me of their great fear for the future. i am comforted to know that not everybody is blind. after nearly five years of this "BUSHIT", people are waking up. i'm saddened americans took longer to see this than most of the rest of the world. but perhaps americans did see this, and were simply to fearful and ashamed to say anything?
people are talking now. people are suffering, and dying. the great collective wisdom of planet earth is shouting at us, and we can no longer pretend to be deaf. every morning i wake up fooling myself that i've seen it all, and every day this shameful administration reminds me i have not. in 1776 there was a revolution. you may have heard and/or read something about it. in 2006 there will be another one. it's beginning now. i sincerely hope you'll be a part of it.

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

SAFETY TIP...

ALWAYS drive with your headlights on! PLEASE!

Saturday, June 04, 2005

"Dear George..."

as a Patriot, Shaman, and Public Servant, i consider it my Duty and Honor to pass this along...
http://www.deargeorgeletters.com/

Thursday, June 02, 2005

really deep throat

i'm not 101% certain this is secure, so it must be brief. i am the male lover of george w. bush. i am also the physician who performed the abortion on laura bush. details to follow...

Monday, May 30, 2005

remember...

on this memorial day, it is indeed important to remember those who gave their lives. it is also VERY IMPORTANT to remember the following:
war is NEVER the answer or solution. there is NEVER a war winner. there is no honor in killing. in fact, those who participate in war, are in my opinion, losers. would jesus have made war? would the pope serve in active duty on the front lines? remember "thou shall not kill"?! remember also that george w. bush NEVER served in our armed forces. for that matter, i'll bet he NEVER scrubbed a toilet, mopped a floor, or ever cleaned his own house. we leave such duties, along with fighting and dying in wars, to the poorest and most underprivileged americans. remember too that benjamin franklin, thomas jefferson, and france created this country, and are ashamed to see where we've brought ourselves. keep in mind that we still live in a democracy, and you really can make a HUGE DIFFERENCE in november of 2008, and all the elections between now and then. the nonsense and insanity that has gone on since november of 2000, and continues to go on, will most definitely affect our grandchildren. teach them NOW how to deal with it. history will most assuredly identify the truth of this shameful, and illegal administration. you are a living witness who must NEVER let people forget the truth. so remember, we don't have to make war to have peace. i just hope we figure this out before we're extinct.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

www.greencafe.com

www.greencafe.com.
it's great!
be a part of the solution, not the problem.

www.greencafe.com

if you desire to be a part of a really great website, visit, www.greencafe.com. it's really really terrific! you can be the solution and not the problem.

Saturday, May 21, 2005

Underwear steward

recently, i was contacted by the bush administration employee who's only job is to wash the president's underwear. he is completely undercover, for homeland security reasons, but very much wanted his story to be told. i will not, and cannot divulge his name, mainly because i don't know it. this whole matter was done very covertly, so basically, i don't know nothing. the following are direct quotes from our taped interview, which is for sale.

me: "hi, so you wash president bush's underwear, is that right"?

him: "yes, i do."

me: "tell me how you managed to get such an important job."

him: "i used to be the foreman in charge of manure management on bush's crawford texas ranch."

me: "so, let me understand this. you were in charge of shit?"

him: "exactly. anything having to do with shit, was my complete responsibility."

me: "WOW! well, the obvious question is boxers or briefs?"

him: "the president pretty much wears whatever's clean that morning. i've seen him wear both from time to time. on a personal level he prefers to wear no underwear, because it's easier for him to scratch."

me: "i see. describe for our readers and viewers what it's like to wash the president's underwear all day long."

him: "well, the president is up pretty early, so i am too. the night before, i check and make sure that he has at least one dozen pairs of clean underwear to choose from for the following morning. oddly enough, when it comes to underwear, this president is very much pro-choice."

me: "that is odd. what other insights can you give americans who aren't on as intimate a level as you are with their president?"

him: "he likes to fart. he says it feels good. he always laughs at a good fart. he tells me laura can really rip 'em, but i've never actually heard her myself."

me: "well, i guess we all do it, huh? what details can you relate to us about the president's underwear?"

him: "i've noticed, since 9/11, there have been more brown skid-marks in his underpants. if they can't be washed out real good, dick cheney instructs me to burn them. even though i officially work for the president, most of my orders come directly from dick cheney. the president often says, "that's my dick!"

me: "apparently they work pretty well together."

him: "are you kidding?! they fucking hate one another!"

me: "are you able to tell us what specific brand name underwear the president wears?"

him: "geez, i don't know if i should. i might get into trouble, or something."

me: "totally understandable."

him: "it's not that i'm afraid, it's just that there used to be some people who worked here, and now they've completely disappeared. it's weird, you know?"

me: "yes, i know."

him: "i've worked for the bush family since i was nine years old, and i've learned some things."

me: "like what?"

him: "like if you piss them off, the rest of your life is shit."

me: "really?"

him: "Oh yeah, i've seen some scary shit go on in that family. as long as you do what you're told, you get a paycheck, but cross them, and you're fucked."

me: "i've heard that from many other people. let's get back to underwear. does the president have a favorite color?"

him: "for sure. he likes black the most. he says it hides the brown skid-marks the best."

me: "i wouldn't know a thing about that."

him: "me neither!"

me: "how old are you?"

him: "i'm 79. i've worked for the bush family for 70 years. they say if i keep up the good work, i can retire soon."

me: "sounds reasonable. how much to you earn?"

him: "when i first started, 70 years ago, they didn't pay me any money, but i got to sleep in the barn, and could eat all the food that was tossed out before the pigs got it. now i get $5.30 an hour. mrs. bush says i might soon be getting a raise."

me: "has the president confirmed this?"

him: "well, not yet, but he's pretty busy. i save a lot of my money, since i live in the basement of the white house. i sleep in the same room where the washing machines are, so i don't have to commute or nothing like that. i don't own a car. i like to walk. after work, i usually go for a walk. i work from 6am to 6pm, then i take a little walk around the basement of the white house. the president says it's too dangerous for me to go outside."

me: "i see. if i may, i'd like to get a little personal. who did you vote for?"

him: "in 2000 i voted for al gore, and in 2004 i voted for john kerry."

me: "me too."

him: "but since i've worked my whole life for the bush family, i figure i'd stick it out another few years 'til they put me out to pasture. the president says i can always live in his barn whenever i'm ready to retire."

me: "wow. anything else you'd like your fellow americans to know?"

him: "i like movies. i really liked that last one i got to see, gone with the wind. that was a good one! i ain't seen no movies since then. the bush family keeps me pretty busy. i like donkeys too. there's something safe and comforting about a good donkey."

me: "i want to thank you very much for having the courage to speak with me. i think your place in history will be very important, and that future generations will always be grateful to the man in the basement of the white house who washed the president's underwear."

him: "awe shucks, 'tain't nothin'."

me: "well, i think you're very brave, and i personally salute you."

him: "can i just say one more thing?"

me: "of course."

him: "when i do retire, i'll be auctioning off some of the president's used underpants on ebay."

me: "cool!"






Sunday, May 15, 2005

from 1952

"Should any political party attempt to abolish social security, unemployment insurance, and eliminate labor laws and farm programs, you would not hear of that party again in our political history. There is a tiny splinter group, of course, that believes that you can do these things. Among them are a few Texas oil millionaires, and an occasional politician or businessman from other areas. Their number is negligible and they are stupid."
--President Dwight D. Eisenhower, 1952

Nadine Stair

Nadine Stair has written words i live by, and definitely worth spreading around.

"If I had My Life To Live Over"

"i'd like to make more mistakes next time. i'd relax, i would limber up. i would be sillier than i have been this trip. i would take fewer things seriously. i would take more chances. i would climb more mountains and swim more rivers. i would eat more ice cream and less beans. i would perhaps have more actual troubles, but i'd have fewer imaginary ones. you see, i'm one of those people who live sensibly and sanely hour after hour, day after day. oh, i've had my moments, and if i had it to do over again, i'd have more of them. in fact, i'd try to have nothing else. just moments, one after another, instead of living so many years ahead of each day. i've been one of those persons who never goes anywhere without a thermometer, a hot water bottle, a raincoat, and a parachute. if i had to do it again, i would travel lighter than i have. if i had my life to live over, i would start barefoot earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. i would go to more dances. i would ride more merry-go-rounds. i would pick more daisies."

and i would smell more wildflowers, take more walks, cuddle and snuggle with my lover more, mentor more children, write more, take more naps, promote peace and love more, protest more, speak out more, listen more, blog more, see more art, create more art, travel more, drink more tea, see more movies, and eat more chocolate, yada yada yada...etc...
and the best thing is this: we get to live our lives over every morning we wake up.

thank you Nadine Stair

Saturday, May 14, 2005

SURPRISE SURPRISE?!

you've probably already figured this out, but jesus IS NOT my savior. Gadi is. although I'D LOVE to speak with jesus, because i'm quite certain that those who claim to follow him and his teachings, don't have a fucking clue how jesus would really behave in the 21st century, but that's a whole other blog. today, i'm going to tell you about MY savior, Gadi. i had car trouble today. it happened it a good place, close to Gadi. turns out i may need an alternator, which i was told cost $420. then i called Gadi, and he told me he can get me one for $175. i don't know if this repair will be covered under my warranty. i'll find that out monday. in the meantime, i was stranded, until Gadi told me i could use his car. the gas tank was only 1/4 full, so i filled it up for $40. but the bottom line is that Gadi saved me today. and this wasn't the first time. he has saved me before. he is like a brother to me, and i absolutely would help him out in any way i could. i highly recommend if anybody requires quality transportation, they should call A Valley Cabousine at 760-340-5845. i guess i'll get my car fixed in a week or so, if all goes according to planned. i'm just so glad that i have a friend and savior in Gadi. he'll sure benefit when i win the lotto. in the meantime when you do speak with jesus, please inform him that frank landfield would like an appointment. thank you.

Thursday, May 12, 2005

symbols or satan?

for fifteen years i volunteered at our local community elementary school. from 1985 to 2000 almost everybody loved me there, almost. the teachers encouraged me to become a substitute teacher, and so i did, although i was never hired by this local school district, because they are controlled by conservative/christian/republicans, who knew best, and decided i would never be hired in "their school district" as a substitute teacher. so i continued to volunteer. there was one woman in particular, which i'll simply call MGH, who did not like me. she looked for any reason to get me in trouble as often as she could. she'd run to the principal and report me for things, like watching the children play on the playground. the principal would tell her that was my volunteer job for the day. she'd run to the principal and say i was alone in a room with a student. the principal would tell her that was my job for that day. i was tutoring, or reading to students, or helping them with their homework, or sometimes just supervising them. one day MGH approached me, in a very unpleasant, confrontational way, and said: "you MUST remove that symbol you're wearing. it is against school district policy for anybody, student or staff, to wear any kind of symbol." i was wearing a peace sign. she said: "if you don't immediately remove that symbol, i'll file a report and complaint with the principal, school board, and school district." i paused a moment, thinking satanic horns would sprout from her forehead any second. then i noticed she was wearing a symbol 'round her neck too, so i said: "hm, i guess that means i also must report you for wearing that symbol you have so prominently displayed around your neck." about this time, i think i did notice satanic horns emerging from her forehead. i'm pretty certain smoke was coming from her ears too, while flames danced deep within her eyes. so i said, "i'll tell you what. i think the best solution here is if we both remove our symbols, together, simultaneously, right now, in front of each other. that way, neither one of us will have to fill out all that bloody paperwork filing reports and complaints on each other. what do you say?" she said nothing. i thought her head would spin 360ยบ, like in that movie, the exorcist, and i was kinda looking forward to that, because i'd never seen a head spin around like that before, but it didn't, so i wondered if they ever really do, or if that's just in the movies. she sorta huffed a bit, then turned and walked away. i'm pretty sure smoke was still coming from her ears, and now from her ass as well. i never did remove my peace sign, and i always saw her wearing her symbol too from that day on. hers was some kind of cross, displayed quite boldly just under her adam's apple, on a little silver chain. she continued to report me for anything she could. in 2000, when i became very publically politically active, the school district told me i was no longer wanted at their school as a volunteer. when i asked them why, they simply said that my behavior was "inappropriate". i knew this was code for, "you're not our kind". i found other volunteer opportunities. i've discovered it's a complete waste of everybody's time for me to try and fit in where i'm not wanted. but mostly, it's very sad. education is getting less and less money. american students are getting dumber. our economy is suffering for lack of qualified, educated employees. in the last few years, more american companies hired more IIT graduates, than MIT and CIT graduates combined. this is a clear message. IIT = india institute of technology, MIT = massachusettes institute of technology, and CIT = california institute of technology. i've noticed an announcement in our local excuse for a newspaper on behalf of the school asking for community volunteers. of course, they don't mean me. they only want good christians, good republicans, good conservatives, and primarily volunteers with no opinions, so they can't express any. and of course, they don't want any volunteers who might wear a peace sign. apparently crosses are OK. i haven't told too many people about this. most of the time when i do tell somebody, they think i'm kidding. the school puts on a good act. but after 15 years of volunteering there, i know what lies beneath. people usually act and behave a certain way, but you can always tell who they really are by asking them a few simple questions, like: do you own any guns? do you recycle? do you vote? who'd you vote for? how often do you attend church? do you smoke? do you believe in equal rights FOR EVERYBODY? in those 15 years i volunteered at that school, there were other volunteers too. people who had been volunteering there fewer years than i. i witnessed them get taken out to lunch, receive special recognition from the school board, be given fancy certificates of appreciation, and even presented with flowers and chocolate. i never got nothing. and of course i wasn't volunteering to get anything either, except the smiles and thank you's from the children i interacted with, and there were more than enough of those for me. some people at that school express to me that i am missed. some of them make it quite clear to me that i was tossed out. and some of them clearly only care about keeping their jobs. since 2000, i've heard of similar experiences from many people. this current illegal administration has an agenda, and if you're not part of it, then you're considered an enemy. and to think, feeding christians to lions was once considered great sport. how times have changed! or have they? i have learned to go where i'm wanted, and help those who want my help. i honestly believe i can change our world, one person at a time. and you can too. today i see tons of people wearing all kinds of symbols. people wear crosses, wristbands, peace signs, earings, and not to mention those things pierced in just about every other part of their body as well. don't ever be afraid to wear a symbol, because that symbol tells the world who and what you are, and we really need to know! PEACE!

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

therapy or yada yada yada

it occurs to me that a blog is very much like psychotherapy, in the same way a diary is. therapy these days costs between $80 and $350 per fifty minute session. i'm not against therapy, in fact, i think probably most people benefit from it. ask woody allen about that. the fact of the matter is, i make $10 an hour, and cannot keep up with my bills now, so adding another one just doesn't make any sense. and so, my blog is my therapy. today's session is about why i find it impossible to associate with people who support george w. bush, and voted for him, and support his insane/inhuman iraq war. my neighbor across the street voted for bush. he also owns guns. on the surface, he's a very nice fellow. i just can't bring myself to associate with him. he's married to a woman who voted for kerry, and has compared bush to hitler. apparently they're able to co-exist somehow. i don't know how or why. perhaps Love really does conquer all? my neighbor next door to me, who is just this moment building his house, also voted for bush. he's been very nice to me. he's helped me. he puts his california redemption value containers in a bucket which i supplied to him, so that i may recycle them for cash. another problem i have is that i cannot throw away money, in any form, including california redemption value recycleable containers. these are mostly aluminium cans, plastic bottles, and on friday's, they drink their friday beers from glass bottles, also a CRV (California Redemption Value container). this neighbor just recently informed me he'd voted for bush. before then, we seemed to be developing a nice friendship. since then, i have had this problem of wanting to be his friend. i wonder if i'm becoming more orthodox, conservative, prejudice, intolerant, discriminatory, and/or fundamental, because i don't want to associate with people who aren't exactly like me. this is troubling, stressful, and difficult. our world is so full of so many different people, and through globalization, we're all being forced in front of each other. only 51% of american voters voted for bush, although that's never been proven to my satisfaction. in my opinion, he was never elected to begin with in 2000 or 2004, but that is an entirely different blog subject! my neighbor across the street, who voted for bush, who supports this crazy iraq war, and who owns guns, has very little in common with me. am i to focus on what we do have in common, and ignore the rest? well, we both like computers, and we're both happy, helpful people, whom many like. and yet, he is like the negative end of a magnet, while i'm the positive end, or vice versa. i am so anti-gun, i'm militant. i support the banning of all guns everywhere. i believe guns serve absolutely no human/loving/religious purpose, and yet, we continue to murder one another in america at the highest worldwide rate. and i am no closer to understanding why i can't, or won't associate with people who support george w. bush. maybe this has something to do with it. you may have heard or seen or read about the ducks who nested near the white house. they are deemed a security risk. a fence was immediately erected around them for their own protection. it was also noted that when those chicks hatch, the family is going to most definitely make their way to the closest water, which just happens to be a fountain in front of the white house, on white house property. a white house spokesperson said it is too much of a security risk to permit this duck family into that fountain. in effect, they are prisoners, and when the chicks hatch, the family will be "relocated". is this what our government has come to? fencing in nesting ducks for their own protection, and prohibiting them from white house property? come to think of it, one of those ducks did look an aweful lot like an ICBM! BM for sure! since that property belongs to "we the people", shouldn't we at least vote on it? i used to think that america was the best place on earth to live. i don't think that anymore, although i haven't lived anyplace else either. i think it just may be time for me to do so, if only i had the courage. i'd at least like affordable, competent health care for everybody. again, here's another blog topic! maybe it simply all does come down to that old saying: "you get what you pay for." rich people live longer, because they can afford the very best healthcare. i've now crossed over from the "therapy" portion of this blog, to the "yada yada yada". i don't know that i've solved a bloody thing. i still don't want to associate with people who support george w. bush. i'm still against this terribly insane iraq war. i continue to be anti-gun, and i still believe in democracy, even when people tell me they don't vote, because they're sure it makes no goddamn difference. maybe i'm a fool, but i'm a fool with a blog that somebody's reading! now who's the sucker?! well, c'est la vie!

living IS easy

living IS easy, i think. life offers so much, and so many opportunities, that it is truly easy. now consider how easy life is/was for say, stephen hawking, or christopher reeve. not so easy? perhaps. they both are/were seriously ill, and yet both contribute/d so much. both have endless courage. both refuse to stop living. there are many people living with pain and illness. the key word here is LIVING! no matter how terrible you perceive your personal condition to be, life is always the best alternative. living is easy in another way too. dying is really tough. dying is so difficult, i believe, because it is the final unknown. the way i look at it, there is no such thing as death. there is only a transformation from this life form to the next. consider the atomic and molecular level.
blogs are supposed to be personal, like diaries. and at the same time, a blog is available to anybody. blogs have helped many people with their particular hardship. blogs have uncovered criminal activity. blogs have healed. blogs have made bloggers RICH! blogs allow us to express ourselves, and truly take our first amendment and heart and soul to the level that they are intended to be on. when i think of all the suffering, and all the people who are ill, i realize that i am so very lucky. no matter what your situation, it can always be worse, very much worse. i have a friend who survived a brain tumor, one who survived two triple heart bypass operations, one who survived prostate cancer, one who survived breast cancer, one who survived luekemia, and ONE who survived divorce! i prefer to surround myself with survivors. those who don't survive, you pretty much have to visit in the cemetery, or the place where their ashes were scattered. survivors have a very strong will to live. i am a survivor. i'm also very selfish, because i have no idea what my next life will be, so i prefer to keep this one, FOREVER, thank you very much! O YES, i would sell my soul to the devil for immortality. it's a good deal! if i'm immortal, how will he ever get my bloody soul?! i could be less selfish, and say that i gladly look forward to the atoms and molecules in me today, rearranging into something else after my body dies. i could say that, but i won't, and i can't. satan, are you listening? i'm ready to cut a deal RIGHT NOW TODAY! and if not with satan, then i'm open to other offers. christopher reeve showed us all how to live. stephen hawking shows us all how to live. we must make every moment count, and we must realize that no matter how tough we think we have it, we have it really easy compared to somebody else. don't feel sorry for yourself, because selfishly that won't get you anywhere. if you think you have it rough, just consider what agony it must be to be pope. MY GOD! this quote makes so much sense!
"When the voting slowly developed making it clear that the guillotine was coming closer and pointing at me, I asked God to spare me this destiny."
Pope Benedict XVI
well duh! we all have our little aches, pains, and disease, including me. so remember, stop whining and wasting time, and make a difference, or you really just might end up going to hell in a handbag, stuck next to george w. bush. is there any worse fate than this?! until next time, continue to actively participate in the blog revolution!

Monday, May 09, 2005

greedy hotels

i think hotels that charge you to use their telephone, and the internet are greedy and low-class! here at the hilton garden inn, rancho mirage, california, they give you FREE WIRELESS INTERNET in the lobby. the chairs are real comfy too...i know...i'm chillin' in one right now, writing this blog entry. what i don't understand is why people would stay at a hotel that charges you to use the internet, and the bloody telephone in your own hotel room. c'est la vie. i shall be staying exclusively at hotels that offer FREE WIRELESS INTERNET. thank you hilton garden inn! peace!

Sunday, May 08, 2005

C'est La Vie!

C'est La Vie!
www.thesmokinggun.com

Saturday, May 07, 2005

Shaman Strolling Staffs

people have asked if my handmade, original, unique, magical Shaman Strolling Staffs are for sale. the answer is "yes", but they are VERY EXPENSIVE. each Staff is handmade, and takes a very long time to finish. they are completely customized to their caretaker. you see, nobody owns these Staffs. if chosen to purchase one of my Shaman Strolling Staffs, you simply take care of it until the next caretaker strolls along. this is what we must also do with our mother earth. to apply for an interview and audition, to determine if you are worthy of one of my Staffs, you may contact my agent at, "franklandfield@yahoo.com". an appointment may be made, depending on your email correspondance. only a very few Shaman Strolling Staffs are created every season. these are not mass produced, and they are only made by me, personally, not by somebody else under my direction. there are only a few chosen Shamans who truly know the infinite and intimate power of these Strolling Staffs. "if ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?" www.buyblue.org. www.howardstern.com.


Wednesday, March 02, 2005

My Flag Is Your Flag

i have a flag flying in front of my house atop some recycled water pipe. it is an American flag, except for the area where the stars are. it has the stripes, but instead of the stars, it has a peace sign. it's been flying in front of my house for about 4 years. it is very ripped and worn. people say i should replace it. i have a brand new rainbow peace flag in my house, but i'm going to leave the ripped one flying until i'm good and ready to replace it. i say the rips represent what this illegal terrorist administration is doing to our planet, our environment, our constitution, our freedoms, our culture, our world, etc...and etc...yada yada yada. my ripped flag has become a symbol, in my opinion. people say i violate the law by flying this flag. i can find no such law. people say i violate the law by flying the flag 24/7. i can find no such law. if you know of this law, please send it to me, and my ACLU agents will carefully review it. i will eventually replace this ripped flag, but it may not be until we rid this universe of the evil that is bush. i am not completely certain those rips happened naturally. i can promise you this, for sure, i will work for the rest of my life for real patriotism.

Thursday, February 03, 2005

www.buyblue.org

if you want to REALLY make a difference, www.buyblue.org needs volunteers to research companies, so here's an opportunity for us all. www.buyblue.org. www.howardstern.com. www.michaelmoore.com. shalom.

Saturday, January 29, 2005

www.buyblue.org

if you honestly care about: where you spend your money, what that business/company does with your money, what the owners of that company do, how they live, who they vote for, who they contribute to, etc...etc...then you really ought to check out www.buyblue.org. if you really want to make a lasting difference, DON'T spend a penny before checking out www.buyblue.org. you really can make a difference, and send a message where it really counts, in their pocketbook! www.buyblue.org. www.howardstern.com. www.thewall.org.

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

www.sirius.com

i have sirius satellite radio, AND IT IS GREAT! i highly recommend that you get it too! don't let the FCC and the bush terrorist administration censor what YOU desire to hear! sirius satellite radio is AWESOME! i have it in my home, AND in my car! you will NEVER want to hear commercial radio ever again! don't be their victum any longer! www.sirius.com. www.howardstern.com. www.michaelmoore.com. www.buyblue.org. www.georgecarlin.com. www.sorryeverybody.com. www.bushrelativesforkerry.com. celebrate diversity! equal human rights for everybody NOW!
www.sirius.com
"life IS a cabaret!"

Sunday, January 23, 2005

did you see it?!

did you see that sunrise this morning?!
"There's a fine fine line between love and a waste of time." from the Broadway Musical, Avenue Q
what will YOU do today to spread love?!

Saturday, January 22, 2005

www.buyblue.org

the bush administration is raping and kidnapping mother earth. they are eroding our human rights. they are hijacking our constitutional rights. they are prejudice and racist and sexist. we must do all we can to resist this illegal and terrorist administration. our very survival depends on it. the very survival of sponge bob depends on it. this administration is evil and illegal, and we must fight to expose the truth. www.buyblue.org. there never were any WMD's. this war is illegal, unjust, and immoral. george w. bush is a disgrace to humanity, christianity, and human rights. he is a liar through and through. he is a draft-dodger. he tells the world lies each and every day. we must stop him, and his buddies, and their illegal agenda. www.buyblue.org. www.howardstern.com. www.michaelmoore.com. www.sorryeverybody.com. www.georgecarlin.com. www.bushrelativesforkerry.com. www.ebay.com. www.sirius.com. don't let "them" force their ways down your throat and up your ass. jesus h. christ is truly ashamed of george w. bush.

"life IS a cabaret!"

"life IS a cabaret!"

Friday, January 21, 2005

www.howardstern.com

www.howardstern.com is a GREAT site! also, www.sorryeverybody.com, www.michaelmoore.com, www.buyblue.org, www.bushrelativesforkerry.com. support freedom, human rights, equal rights, and "marriage is between two people who love each other."
CELEBRATE DIVERSITY! stop persecuting Sponge Bob! www.thewall.org.