Friday, September 18, 2009

The Chance Of Pants

The Chance Of Pants

At some point in your life, you will fall or nearly fall while attempting to put on your pants or underpants. This is simply a fact of life.

This fall may be serious. You may break a hip, or your head, or your nose, or something else. And of course you’ll have to explain to the emergency room people just how this all happened.

If you’re lucky, this fall may not be serious at all. In fact, if you’re really lucky, you’ll catch yourself before you fall, and only blurt out a few choice expletives.
This is the preferred outcome.

So how is it possible to predetermine when this might happen? It is next to impossible. We think we’ll always be 25 years old and forever able to jump right into our pants and underpants, with one leap, both legs at a time, while splashing on aftershave. Well, enjoy this fantasy as long as you can my friends.

When you’re ready for reality, we’ll try to figure out how we got to this point.
I’m pretty sure it has something to do with the fact that leg openings on underpants have been increasingly shrinking. At least you can tell yourself that one. Perhaps we simply can’t lift our leg the way we used to? Or bend over as comfortably as we did ten years ago?

We all have our reasons. I noticed the other day while attempting to first put my foot then my leg through my underpants that something had changed. My little toe was getting snagged and my leg didn’t remain up as long as my brain had asked it to. I began falling forward. The edge of the sink was rapidly approaching. I was stuck falling in mid air, or so I thought, until I figured out I’d better just let go of my underpants before my head comes in contact with the edge of the sink. It occurred to me at that moment in time that maybe, just maybe, if I sat down on the toilet and then put my underpants on, that this would be a much safer way to proceed.

Needless to say, it works well for pants too. But how did I get to this point? For as long as I can remember, I’ve been putting on my pants and underpants while simultaneously standing up. And by the way, on one leg!

I keep telling myself, “I’m the guy who did a marathon, on skates!” Then I remember that was nearly ten years ago. I drive a golf cart around town now. Or walk.

There is a bit of a transition period. One can, carefully, lean against something solid to put on one’s underpants. This is not as safe as sitting down, but it’s not as dangerous as trying to balance oneself on one leg at a time either. Sometimes I try this. Sometimes I sit down. I find the sitting down to be safest. But still, how did I get here? Seems like only yesterday I was 16 years old with no cares, aches, or pains. I’m two for three now. I have no cares, thank goodness.

Aging is a fact of life just as death is, although I like to call that “the transformation”. You call it whatever you desire. It is inevitable that we won’t run a 4-minute mile too many times in our life, if even once. We will not be able to always put on our pants standing up. We won’t be able to drive ourselves around town forever. Our hearing will diminish. Our sight will decrease. And as time goes by, we’ll basically fall apart and begin rotting from the inside out. Not to worry. It’s simply nature. We all go through it. Ain’t none of us gettin’ outa this life alive. Dust to dust. We might as well accept it and deal with it as soon as possible. Complaining and worrying only makes it worse. So, what’s the point here? That is for you to decide. It is not my job to make everything OK for you. I’ve got plenty to do just putting on my pants.

In the meantime, one must find comfort and guidance wherever it is discovered. Best of luck.

On YouTube under “franklandfields”
Copyright frank landfield
September 18, 2009

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